Feeling good - and then realizing scopes

For the past several weeks I have been talking freely about how much "better" I've felt in the last month - how it seems like all the pistons are firing correctly, that I'm "plugged in" - or at least feeling like it - but then I see signs of the dark side of this disorder try to rush back in to tak over.

Examples of this are feelings of despair, feelings of insignificance, (which are really the stronger of them), feelings of everyone thinking that I'm no better now than I was 2 months ago. While I know there is improvement I still feel myself start to tense up in unusual situations, something I used to never do.

No full blown panic attacks, and that's fantastic, but the anxiety can still creep in and take a very temporary hold. Now it's only a few minutes instead of a few days and that's also a welcome relief.

Did good all day - went & got to follow some acting stuff today and had 2 roles & 2 scenes to film. This experience has really been great and I'm planning on doing it until they finish the series out. Today's expisode was in the last episode they're filming for the season. They have about 10 weeks off & then they start Season 5. They aren't sure about 6 yet. I plan on continuing with it as long as I can.

Anyway, all this is to say that yes, I'm getting better, but it's really easy to trick my mind into thinking that the level of "better' is must bigger than it actually is.... and that, I must keep an eye on.

Reaction to two events

Nearly a year later...

Well I have been working for the better part of this year, 2009, to learn not only about what Bipolar Disorder is, but how to treat and regulate it. While I'm in a better state of mind than I was in 2008, a change in medicine seems to be working a bit but we're still not "there" yet.

The diagnosis was redefined as Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder; meaning I can go from a depressive state to mania within a day or even a few hours, and I can also be in both states at the same time. It's certainly not pleasant, but I can say, as with most Bipolar people, much prefer the manic state as I tend to get a lot done, can feel very productive and "up". The danger here is that continued or prolonged mania can lead to dangerous decisions and situations for the Bipolar person.

I'm going to reassert myself on this Blog in an effort to continue improving both my mental health, and my relationships with both my part and my friends.