As if the other wasn't bad enough this one is nearly 10 years since posting.
Yikes
anyway, anything you wanna know about me, including this topic is going to be at www.kennypeters.com
Monday, September 23, 2019
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Doing ok!
Well......here we are 9 months into the lithium treatment and I have to say I'm quite surprised at the effect it's had on my bipolar disorder symptoms.
A lot of people think that the medication eradicates the symptoms - let me tell you - it does NOT. There's no pill or drug or treatment that will ever take the problems away. The medication only serves to lengthen the time in between episodes and hopefully lessen the severity of them when they hit. And they do still hit. The mood swings still happen but the effect of them is not as intense.
For example, I can feel a depressed phase come on and it will stick with me for 2-3 days now and while I'm not crying and despondent I'm still down and depressed. But the medication has worked to the point where they depressed phases no longer carry suicidal thoughts or tendencies with them. In reverse, I can also feel a manic phase coming - which is happening right now - and as I've said before, most cases of bipolar disorder find the individual actually welcoming those episodes. I do - I tend to be more productive, more "on top of things" and more energetic when I'm in a manic phase. And as with the other phase, fortunately the medication has limited the far-reaching effects of bipolar disorder in a manic episode, which include making irrational and sometimes dangerous decisions.
The one bad effect that I have had from the lithium is the addition of about 40 pounds onto my frame this year. (See my other journal/blog, The KP One Year Project to read about that) My doctor did tell me that would happen,. but she didn't say how much. Guess she couldn't have known but I'm miserable about my weight right now. So, I'm doing something to counteract that. Dangerously, earlier today I considered going off my meds to see what would happen - it was one of the triggers that made me realize a manic episode is coming. But I doubt I'll follow through with that thought process....
Anyway that's where we are today! Thanks for reading.
A lot of people think that the medication eradicates the symptoms - let me tell you - it does NOT. There's no pill or drug or treatment that will ever take the problems away. The medication only serves to lengthen the time in between episodes and hopefully lessen the severity of them when they hit. And they do still hit. The mood swings still happen but the effect of them is not as intense.
For example, I can feel a depressed phase come on and it will stick with me for 2-3 days now and while I'm not crying and despondent I'm still down and depressed. But the medication has worked to the point where they depressed phases no longer carry suicidal thoughts or tendencies with them. In reverse, I can also feel a manic phase coming - which is happening right now - and as I've said before, most cases of bipolar disorder find the individual actually welcoming those episodes. I do - I tend to be more productive, more "on top of things" and more energetic when I'm in a manic phase. And as with the other phase, fortunately the medication has limited the far-reaching effects of bipolar disorder in a manic episode, which include making irrational and sometimes dangerous decisions.
The one bad effect that I have had from the lithium is the addition of about 40 pounds onto my frame this year. (See my other journal/blog, The KP One Year Project to read about that) My doctor did tell me that would happen,. but she didn't say how much. Guess she couldn't have known but I'm miserable about my weight right now. So, I'm doing something to counteract that. Dangerously, earlier today I considered going off my meds to see what would happen - it was one of the triggers that made me realize a manic episode is coming. But I doubt I'll follow through with that thought process....
Anyway that's where we are today! Thanks for reading.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I'm going to start getting risker in my posts here
I'm going to start writing a little more riskier and about what I observe throughout the day here. I just started reading some other blogs and one was titled: "Dissension Amongst Protestant Theologians :- New Perspective on Paul" and I thought, damn, my writing is boring. Why can't I come up with something like that? I guess in all honesty the real question is Why would I?
Not knocking what anyone blogs about - it's all words coming out of our heads/asses and there will be some who are interested in what you write. Maybe I have to make sure I'm interested myself when I write it before I can worry about someone else. Chicken/egg sort of thing, I suppose.
So that's all to say that soon I'll be having more interesting titles to my posts, even if the posts themselves end up being totally non-related to the subjects, hahahaha. Gotta do something to grab attention.
I guess I could write about some of the oddities I see throughout the day at the restaurant, or my ongoing bitching about people who don't know how to or even to TIP your waiter. I give consistently good service and have actually had people completely stiff me - it's the worst feeling in the world and I hope that karma comes around to bite these people squarely in the fat ass. Almost as bad - having someone who just had a $50 check turn around and hand me ONE DOLLAR and say "This is for you" and act like you're really doing me some sort of huge favor. Thanks, Ms. 300 pound lard ass - I hope you appreciate the fact that you just ran me ragged for an hour with constant requests "Can I have some honey mustard?" "Can I have a to go box?" "Can I have a to go drink?" "Can I have some extra napkins?" and kept me from having someone seated at that table who understands that you tip a minimum of 10% to someone who BRINGS YOU SHIT. I'll spit in your damn food next time I see you coming - hope you like that tip. I work for - get this - $2.17 an HOUR and SURVIVE on your tips - and you got good service so don't pull that crap with me. If you can't afford to tip your server, then don't fucking go out to eat. Sorry, it's a sore subject with me after having it happen 3 times last week. And please excuse my profanity - just part of today's mood.
Was that a tirade? Maybe so but it's been on my mind and I just felt the need to get it out. LOL> Maybe this subject should have been "Waiter tells it how it really is - a new perspective".
Not knocking what anyone blogs about - it's all words coming out of our heads/asses and there will be some who are interested in what you write. Maybe I have to make sure I'm interested myself when I write it before I can worry about someone else. Chicken/egg sort of thing, I suppose.
So that's all to say that soon I'll be having more interesting titles to my posts, even if the posts themselves end up being totally non-related to the subjects, hahahaha. Gotta do something to grab attention.
I guess I could write about some of the oddities I see throughout the day at the restaurant, or my ongoing bitching about people who don't know how to or even to TIP your waiter. I give consistently good service and have actually had people completely stiff me - it's the worst feeling in the world and I hope that karma comes around to bite these people squarely in the fat ass. Almost as bad - having someone who just had a $50 check turn around and hand me ONE DOLLAR and say "This is for you" and act like you're really doing me some sort of huge favor. Thanks, Ms. 300 pound lard ass - I hope you appreciate the fact that you just ran me ragged for an hour with constant requests "Can I have some honey mustard?" "Can I have a to go box?" "Can I have a to go drink?" "Can I have some extra napkins?" and kept me from having someone seated at that table who understands that you tip a minimum of 10% to someone who BRINGS YOU SHIT. I'll spit in your damn food next time I see you coming - hope you like that tip. I work for - get this - $2.17 an HOUR and SURVIVE on your tips - and you got good service so don't pull that crap with me. If you can't afford to tip your server, then don't fucking go out to eat. Sorry, it's a sore subject with me after having it happen 3 times last week. And please excuse my profanity - just part of today's mood.
Was that a tirade? Maybe so but it's been on my mind and I just felt the need to get it out. LOL> Maybe this subject should have been "Waiter tells it how it really is - a new perspective".
Today & yesterday
Well I had a sinking feeling that I was slipping into a depressed phase the last few days and today wasn't much of an improvement. I just feel lethargic - I'm depressed because of the weight that the lithium has put on me, and even though I have plans to combat that, it's depressing all the same. I'm the heaviest I've been since high school and it bothers the shit out of me. Nothing fits, nothing looks good, and I just look like a big whale walking around. It's embarrassing to me. I don't want to be this heavy and I wonder how hard of a time I'm going to have taking this weight off of me. But it's not just that - I'm kind of stuck in a place with my job that I'm not sure I like a whole lot,. and don't know where to get out of that either. I want to get back to what I used to do and do well - I just wonder if there will ever be a job there again for me. Just blah, just blah blah blah.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Life is good....
I haven't stayed true to what I had intended on this blog because well frankly, life has been good. Not that it's a good excuse, well I guess it kinda IS a good excuse if I have to have an excuse at all. But I haven't had any swings that have been out of control. I have had a few down days, a few bad moods, but nothing - NOTHING - like what they were pre-med.
I'm currently on 1200 mg of Lithium, 200 mg of Lamictal, and 10 mg of Abilify a day and that seems to be the magic combination for this bipolar man to make life livable again. I'm pretty much constantly in a good mood, happy, and adjust to stresses well. Of course, I expose myself to these things (stresses) in small amounts, but I'm feeling the need to expand that soon.
The downside: Being on disability and only working part time makes for some very boring days. So, as I've put on weight with the medication, and have some life goals to reach as I'm turning 45 in 28 days, I will be starting a new blog that will be a diary of sorts for me to follow the goals as I reach for them. It's called the "KP One Year Project" and I hope to attain several goals during the one year from September 7, 2010 to September 7, 2011. I'm waiting a full week after my birthday of September 1 so that I can enjoy the birthday week as I typically do, and don't want to have diet restrictions going on during the celebrating. 45. Wow, can't believe I actually got to it.
Thanks to those of you who have followed my bipolar blog. It's been a journey back to "normal" and I thank everyone who has been so supportive. I do intend on keeping it going, I need to take advantage of the writing space on the days that the bads hit me - it may be just enough to keep them at bay!
Thanks,
Kenny
I'm currently on 1200 mg of Lithium, 200 mg of Lamictal, and 10 mg of Abilify a day and that seems to be the magic combination for this bipolar man to make life livable again. I'm pretty much constantly in a good mood, happy, and adjust to stresses well. Of course, I expose myself to these things (stresses) in small amounts, but I'm feeling the need to expand that soon.
The downside: Being on disability and only working part time makes for some very boring days. So, as I've put on weight with the medication, and have some life goals to reach as I'm turning 45 in 28 days, I will be starting a new blog that will be a diary of sorts for me to follow the goals as I reach for them. It's called the "KP One Year Project" and I hope to attain several goals during the one year from September 7, 2010 to September 7, 2011. I'm waiting a full week after my birthday of September 1 so that I can enjoy the birthday week as I typically do, and don't want to have diet restrictions going on during the celebrating. 45. Wow, can't believe I actually got to it.
Thanks to those of you who have followed my bipolar blog. It's been a journey back to "normal" and I thank everyone who has been so supportive. I do intend on keeping it going, I need to take advantage of the writing space on the days that the bads hit me - it may be just enough to keep them at bay!
Thanks,
Kenny
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Back to life, back to reality
It's amazing what medication, therapy and time can do. For today I felt a wave of normalcy that I haven't experienced in ages, it seems.
Four years ago I got very physically ill with a lymph node infection that started a 6 month course of illness that couldn't be contained, and was very difficult for my doctors to figure out. It culminated in a huge tumor-like abcess on my neck which took 3 months from start to finish to get rid of, and 6 months later a tonsillectomy that seemed to clear up the problem. However the depression that kicked in during this time brought to light a whole other problem. That problem was finally named correctly as Bipolar Disorder.
Today I stood on my own again as a man feeling in control of destiny, control of myself AND my emotions. Able to experience happiness without feeling that I was spinning into a manic phase. Able to experience life and not second guess my judgment and not worry that I was "freaking out" if I saw something sad on tv. I finished 3 years of solid therapy today and that is amazing. My therapist, Susan, is someone I will always treasure having had the opportunity to meet with and while we are going to keep a standing appointment on the books for the next two months, I can just call her a week beforehand and tell her whether I "need" the appointment or not. And at that we will part ways. It's sad in a way as I have truly enjoyed meeting her and her influence in my life, enabling me to see what I was doing wrong, and what I needed to adjust without ever telling me what to do. But she has done her job very very well and I finally feel like this bird can fly again.
I have returned to work, and have further plans to re-enter my normal profession within the next six to twelve months. I realize I will always be on these medications but if they are able to help me feel THIS normal then bring them on, I say!
I can't believe it - I'm living my life again!
Four years ago I got very physically ill with a lymph node infection that started a 6 month course of illness that couldn't be contained, and was very difficult for my doctors to figure out. It culminated in a huge tumor-like abcess on my neck which took 3 months from start to finish to get rid of, and 6 months later a tonsillectomy that seemed to clear up the problem. However the depression that kicked in during this time brought to light a whole other problem. That problem was finally named correctly as Bipolar Disorder.
Today I stood on my own again as a man feeling in control of destiny, control of myself AND my emotions. Able to experience happiness without feeling that I was spinning into a manic phase. Able to experience life and not second guess my judgment and not worry that I was "freaking out" if I saw something sad on tv. I finished 3 years of solid therapy today and that is amazing. My therapist, Susan, is someone I will always treasure having had the opportunity to meet with and while we are going to keep a standing appointment on the books for the next two months, I can just call her a week beforehand and tell her whether I "need" the appointment or not. And at that we will part ways. It's sad in a way as I have truly enjoyed meeting her and her influence in my life, enabling me to see what I was doing wrong, and what I needed to adjust without ever telling me what to do. But she has done her job very very well and I finally feel like this bird can fly again.
I have returned to work, and have further plans to re-enter my normal profession within the next six to twelve months. I realize I will always be on these medications but if they are able to help me feel THIS normal then bring them on, I say!
I can't believe it - I'm living my life again!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
So out of training, on with life
As I wrote in my last posting, I "tested' myself to see if I could be hired anywhere, and I was, first interview out of the bag, at Chili's as a server. Now, I've been asked, given the situation of the last few years, and the last year especially, why would I choose something stressful? I didn't view it as stressful - i viewed it as something different than I've done before, and even though I've waited tables before, it's been years since I did. So today I finished my testing phase/training phase and I'm officially a real waiter. I won't be on the schedule until after next Wednesday though, so I'm not sure how often I will be working, or if I'm even going to like it. But that wasn't the point. The main point was to see if I COULD do it, and I feel that I've made a remarkable step by challenging myself to something, going the extra step, and doing it. I am not tied to them by any means, and I may find that I really like it because of the difference between this and what I have historically done. And I may find that it rebuilds me psychologically to be able to re-enter my other world of work again along this trip of "getting better". I did see tell-tale signs of slipping into a manic phase a few days ago; fortunately it didn't take ahold of me like they have and that means the medications are working. So we will see how the next few weeks go but for now, it looks like there's some real recovery to be celebrated.
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