So today I begin my own "therapizing" (my new favorite made-up word) and writing some of the crazy antics that I'm experiencing along the way. In the grand scheme of things, I still think I'm going crazy. That in a short while I might not be able to deal at all. But for the mean time I think I'm going to write the crazy thoughts down.
I think I scared my other half last night with description of the head pressure I have at times. And since I tend to turn to laughter and comedy for so many things, it's only fitting that the two "instances" I'm about to discuss here are actually quite comical.
The first, which I also explained to my counselor last week, is the funniest, in my opinion. You know the curls that orthodox Jewish men grow? Well in my "vision" I had 4 of them, and they were all being pulled downward with small monkeys/apes hanging on to them, creating the pressure. If I swung my head back & forth, the monkeys would hit the front & back of my face and head. I know they weren't really there, but that was the image that fit the pressure I felt.
The other vision was a fleeting thought when i was at a Christmas parade this past weekend. The streets had been cleared to make way for the floats, and for a brief second, I felt that I could, as my World of Warcraft character "Xanadont", run out in the middle of the empty street and spray everyone with holy nova, fixing everyone's health. Funny to me - probably crazy to anyone who reads this.
I know that sounds crazy. but you gotta admit it's also kinda funny.
I don't mean it to; it's just a way of sharing these funny thoughts that run through my mind faster than I care to admit. At least I'm saying them now instead of keeping them inside. But I'm going to be honest too - they scare me from time to time, especially when they are accompanied by pressure in my head or minor pains. I'm kind of afraid to discuss the pains too much but I know I will have to sooner or later.
I don't think my meds are right. I'm on Lexapro (30 milligrams/day) and Clonzapan/Klonopin (.5 milligrams, up to 1/2 - 1 of those twice a day; however, I find I do better if I take 1/2 of one every 4 hours) - and while I felt several months of improvement at first, the last week has been starting to feel as if I'm going on a downward spiral. I can't let that happen as there is too much at stake right now.
So I don't really know what the next step is - after weeks of solid, dramatic improvement, things kinda seem to be turning downward again, but maybe that's just part of the whole picture. I don't know either if I'll ever truly get used to that - for last night's rapid cycling was pretty uncomfortable to me.
Surely more to follow here soon, but I'm gonna say that I'm glad to be able to write this all down as it happens - maybe someone else will find the same things that have happened to me are happening to them and if that can be of help, then some good will have come from all of this. So keep your fingers crossed.
Kenny
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