Bring on mania, dammit!
One of the most unusual byproducts of Bipolar Disorder is the desire on the afflicted to actually desire one of the phases over another. For those who are unaware, there are two "phases" of bipolar disorder that define the condition. One is the depressive phase, and the other is the manic phase. While either one can reach dangerous extremes, I find that I MUCH prefer the manic phase over the other. When I'm in manic phase, I tend to be very up, very productive, and very energetic. I can tell that I'm entering a manic phase right now, but it's not uncontrolled, so to speak. I just feel it coming. And I'm actually looking forward to it so I can get some things done in the next few days.
As I wrote yesterday, the medications have helped the period of time between severe mood swings - but they've also made me much more aware of their effects on my mind and body. I have a lot to get done right now because I had a pretty severe depressive phase over the last two days and did pretty much nothing - so as you can imagine, clothes have piled up, dishes need to be done, I'm trying to sell my car, it needs to be cleaned out, still cleaning out and streamlining the past by throwing out unnecessary items which have moved with me over the last 30 years and all of this I can get done if I enter mania. How sad is that?
So we'll see how the day goes, but I'm already filling up my calendar with "to-do's".
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The physical side of depression / bipolar disorder
As I start to write this I find that my first thought was "this could be it's own blog" kind of subject might be too 'pending doom' in its subject line... but it's the exact lesson today for me.
Mentally I have been feeling pretty good and alert & all... doc thinks we have the right balance here with the meds and I have to agree. Just to note, it took 14 months to get to an acceptable balance of: 1200 mg lithium, 15 mg Abilify, and 200 mg lamictal daily. This diagnosis which started off as depression began dosing at 30 mg of Lexapro and then we've tried everything from Wellbutrin, Clonazepam and a few others. The journey here was not easy.
So today even though I'm feeling better and having somewhat of an interesting day, getting the lawnmower repaired, etc.,, my physical self had no energy, no gusto, and was physically heavy just getting in & out of the car. Walking up the stair, I'm winded. Walking from room to room, I'm winded. Part of that is weightt, part is from smoking and part is the depression.
I got distracted and will post this now & add later - i can'think at the moment.
*appended 3/5/2010 10:10 a.m.
Well the physical pressure ended today - I woke up feeling normal and alert and in a good mood. But the last two days have been pure hell. I could barely function - just cooking dinner last night, as quick as it was(chicken salads) made me physically exhausted and barely able to move. I can't stand this. My thought is that since the swings are better controlled than they used to be - I'm more aware of the depression phase when it hits me. It makes me very sad and longing for yesteryear.
I ran across a bunch of video tapes with performances on them and one of them was especially good, but as I watched it, all I could think was "Who is that stranger?" I so miss the person I used to be, happy-go-lucky, carefree, always in a good & fun mood. This disorder has wrecked my mental life, my belief in myself, my confidence, and in some ways my relationship. I don't feel able to give the things I need to give to make both of us happy. While this is something I'm working on, I don't know what the answer is.
So when you see the commercials for anti-depression medication, and they discuss the aches & pains that accompany it, don't guffaw at it. Those are very real aches and pains that affect someone suffering with depression. It almost feels like you've come down with the flu, it's that intense.
But like I said, happily, I'm in good spirits today and hopefully it's going to be several months again before I cycle down to this level.
As always, thanks for reading.
Kenny
Mentally I have been feeling pretty good and alert & all... doc thinks we have the right balance here with the meds and I have to agree. Just to note, it took 14 months to get to an acceptable balance of: 1200 mg lithium, 15 mg Abilify, and 200 mg lamictal daily. This diagnosis which started off as depression began dosing at 30 mg of Lexapro and then we've tried everything from Wellbutrin, Clonazepam and a few others. The journey here was not easy.
So today even though I'm feeling better and having somewhat of an interesting day, getting the lawnmower repaired, etc.,, my physical self had no energy, no gusto, and was physically heavy just getting in & out of the car. Walking up the stair, I'm winded. Walking from room to room, I'm winded. Part of that is weightt, part is from smoking and part is the depression.
I got distracted and will post this now & add later - i can'think at the moment.
*appended 3/5/2010 10:10 a.m.
Well the physical pressure ended today - I woke up feeling normal and alert and in a good mood. But the last two days have been pure hell. I could barely function - just cooking dinner last night, as quick as it was(chicken salads) made me physically exhausted and barely able to move. I can't stand this. My thought is that since the swings are better controlled than they used to be - I'm more aware of the depression phase when it hits me. It makes me very sad and longing for yesteryear.
I ran across a bunch of video tapes with performances on them and one of them was especially good, but as I watched it, all I could think was "Who is that stranger?" I so miss the person I used to be, happy-go-lucky, carefree, always in a good & fun mood. This disorder has wrecked my mental life, my belief in myself, my confidence, and in some ways my relationship. I don't feel able to give the things I need to give to make both of us happy. While this is something I'm working on, I don't know what the answer is.
So when you see the commercials for anti-depression medication, and they discuss the aches & pains that accompany it, don't guffaw at it. Those are very real aches and pains that affect someone suffering with depression. It almost feels like you've come down with the flu, it's that intense.
But like I said, happily, I'm in good spirits today and hopefully it's going to be several months again before I cycle down to this level.
As always, thanks for reading.
Kenny
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