an extraordinary epiphany

A few weeks ago, I had an epiphany (breakthrough) that was of massive proportions to me.  I fully believe I would have never come to these conclusions and ideas had it not been for the 2+ years of therapy at this point, interactions with my psychiatrist and my medical doctor, all of whom have been of extraordinary help to me in their own individual ways.

Several years ago, probably at the onset of a very long lasting manic episode, I convinced myself that my normal "mode" at the time - always laughing, making others laugh, insessant puns, jokes, etc. and always "on the go" daily life - well, I convinced myself that this was very irritating to people around me.  Kinda of like Robin Williams in his early days - never stopping, etc. - making people wish there was an "off switch".  And with that, I climbed back into myself and didn't want to come out.  In fact it got so bad when I came off the manic episode and slipped, no, FELL into the darkest period of depression that I've ever experienced, that I wanted to do the ultimate attention getting act:  I wanted to kill myself.   I even had a date, letter, and method planned out.  It was that bad.

Now I can look back on those words of "kill myself" and thank God that I didn't (even though God = its own set of unsuredness factors in my life) - because it would have hurt many people whom I'm close to.  I can't imagine first of all the grief that it would have caused my mother, nor the pain that I would have caused my partner.

But this wasn't the epiphany.

Back several weeks ago, the performing group I am in, River City Pops, had auditions for our specialty acts for the show.  (smaller duos or groups).  I auditioned participating in 3 of them.  2 of them got selected which would have made any one else happy, but the third number....well I was really frustrated because we were not even able to complete the song in the audition process.  This was due to a couple of factors not really under control, but in my nearly 30 years of performing I've NEVER NOT had a complete audition, one that ended with "We're lost".  Of course I didn't find out until later that night that the number didn't get picked, but when I arrived home after the audition, I felt my mood - which had been leveled out at a solid "8" (out of 10) for several weeks, I believe due to the addition of Abilify to my pill diet.   I felt myself letting feelings of anger, frustration, and more importantly, failure slipping in..... and then it happened.

I was able to pin a trigger point to FAILURE.  FAILURE seems to be a really difficult thing for me to agree into accepting.  I just don't seem to handle it well, and while I know the intelligent thing is to learn from failures, I didn't seem to be able to shft into that mode that night.

Well I thought that was epiphinous enough, I sat down to write my therapist/counselor a note to remind me to tell her about it, but when I wrote the word failure I automatically typed the words "in my life" and then BOOM like a ton of bricks I began having waves upon waves of realization and understanding.

My parents split when I was 10, with my mom leaving right after my birthday in 1975.   And I realized at that moment, buried beneath all my "understanding" of why mom left, left me with an alcoholic (all of which I have never truly had any anger about; it made me who I am) etc.....was the feeling that I somehow felt guilty and RESPONSIBLE for their split.  That I had somehow FAILED in keeping my family together.  My brother & sister were all already out of the house, at ages even too young for them.  My sister at 16, my brother a year later when he turned 16, and all that was left was this little kid - me - dealing with the fallout.  Where was my help?  My dad was a boozer; incapable of love or support or kindness - and imagine my relief when I found several years later he was not my biological father. 

But at that age, 10 years old, I began to show signs of slipping into mental illness and bipolar disorder probably started taking root around this time.  I gained weight almost immediatley.  I had always been a thin child, not bad thin, but healthy and normal in weight and shape.  I walked with my shoulders slumped over to hide extra weight, my embarassment, never took my shirt off at the pool - maybe all of which were physical reactions to the idea of ANYONE getting close to me - it was my way of folding into myself and hiding from the world.

I began to act out - stealing things and acting badly - and I realize now that every single act of taking things, taking what I wanted, having more than others.... was all a way of trying to take back what had been taken from me.... comfort, security, care..... and that unfortunate activity went through into my young adult and middle adult years unattended to, and got me into serious trouble with the law and my employers and everyone around me, who could see the destructive behavior but knew not how to help.

This realization has made a huge difference as I continue growing past my troubles and remain committed to kicking Bipolar Disorder - even though I know there's no cure - I AM going to win this f'ing battle.  And that, no one can stop....

Thanks for reading - this one was hard to write!