Well Christmas & New Year's kicked my ass this year, mainly due to stupid actions on my own part. Impulsive and plain stupid decisions really caused a riff to last the end of the year, and my resolve to start 2010 with a positive start got quashed.
The crappy part of this is that the overlap, the "recourse" of my own mind, took an additional whole week. I was useless pretty much all of the first week of the year. I guess I must be thinking somewhat clearer because I was able to analyze my actions and decisions much closer than ever before, and in speaking with my counselor about my single worst decision, she stopped me and asked me WHY the decision was wrong. Of course she knew, but she needed me to say it and verbalize it. And it helped.
There's a part of my mind that still feels sometimes that I'm still a child; maybe I'm bucking against what I feel are large responsibilities on my part in terms of the house upkeep (we have a very large place, about 2300 square feet), stress over finances, and inability to focus on important things effectively.
That last item - inability to focus - is the one that I'm most disturbed by. It's as if my attention span is that of a gnat when something important or serious comes up for review. I don't know why - the aversion is pretty much full on though. I consider that a childish action - one that I never outgrew and has affected me my entire adult life. It's also the one that causes the most friction in my life, both with employers and my partner. So it's the one that must be worked on the hardest and first.
The "Mood 24/7" tool has already been useful - I'm noticing a definite pattern in my episodes. It looks like I typically have 4-5 good days and then one where my mood drops majorly. Given the events of the last few weeks, it doesn't surprise me that the rapid cylcing factor of my disorder has been triggered several times. But I need things to even out to "normal" and/or less stressful to see if that pattern continues.
I see the psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm fully expecting her to change the mood stabilizer. I'm currently on 200mg of Lamactil daily - and I don't think it's doing any good. I wonder if she's going to start me on Abilify. I just want to make sure to follow how each of these drugs are metabolized by the body. I'm hoping to start "reconstructing" my body by eating healthier and exercising to get the benefits from those activities too. But I have to pay attention to what I'm taking - I think I'm scared to death that something is going to interact with something else, and I don't wanna be gone just when I'm starting on recovery road, you know?
Thanks for reading as always.
Kenny
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