Sometimes I find myself thinking that I could, for one day, transplant my mind into the body of any one who questions what it is I feel on a daily basis. Reactions, tones of voice.....all of the normal "parts" of day to day life are sometimes horrible trigger prone situations that just aren't understood. But in an honest world, I wouldn't transplant this horror into anyone.
For Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, especially in a state that is not correctly (yet) medicated, being snapped at can be the equivalent of a knife in the heart. It's so hard to hold back, to not respond in kind, to not lose control.....and the resulting confusion of emotions can be simply too much to handle. While I'm not in the mind frame that I was a year & a half ago of wanting to just off myself, the stress that these situations puts my mind & body into are horrible. Triggers can create horrible transposition of good & bad feelings quickly, sometimes within minutes of each other, and they are physically debilitating.
It's hard to continue when you feel that you're simply not understood, especially by the ones that are closest to you, who, even after attempting to supply tools of education about the disorder and how it affects decisions and perceptions still think that you're using Bipolar Disorder as an "excuse" to make mistakes. That particular mindset makes it very hard to want to continue.....
I was in a great mood this morning and it got dashed within minutes. All I want to do now is sleep and I had a day of music and creativity planned. But that goes by the wayside very quickly when the trigger is pulled.....
Oh well. Another step in the path to recovery, I guess. But it sure sucks.
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