Back to life, back to reality

It's amazing what medication, therapy and time can do.  For today I felt a wave of normalcy that I haven't experienced in ages, it seems.

Four years ago I got very physically ill with a lymph node infection that started a 6 month course of illness that couldn't be contained, and was very difficult for my doctors to figure out. It culminated in a huge tumor-like abcess on my neck which took 3 months from start to finish to get rid of, and 6 months later a tonsillectomy that seemed to clear up the problem.  However the depression that kicked in during this time brought to light a whole other problem.  That problem was finally named correctly as Bipolar Disorder.

Today I stood on my own again as a man feeling in control of destiny, control of myself AND my emotions.  Able to experience happiness without feeling that I was spinning into a manic phase.  Able to experience life and not second guess my judgment and not worry that I was "freaking out" if I saw something sad on tv.  I finished 3 years of solid therapy today and that is amazing.   My therapist, Susan, is someone I will always treasure having had the opportunity to meet with and while we are going to keep a standing appointment on the books for the next two months, I can just call her a week beforehand and tell her whether I "need" the appointment or not.  And at that we will part ways.  It's sad in a way as I have truly enjoyed meeting her and her influence in my life, enabling me to see what I was doing wrong, and what I needed to adjust without ever telling me what to do.  But she has done her job very very well and I finally feel like this bird can fly again.

I have returned to work, and have further plans to re-enter my normal profession within the next six to twelve months.  I realize I will always be on these medications but if they are able to help me feel THIS normal then bring them on, I say!

I can't believe it - I'm living my life again!

So out of training, on with life

As I wrote in my last posting, I "tested' myself to see if I could be hired anywhere, and I was, first interview out of the bag, at Chili's as a server.  Now, I've been asked, given the situation of the last few years, and the last year especially, why would I choose something stressful?  I didn't view it as stressful - i viewed it as something different than I've done before, and even though I've waited tables before, it's been years since I did.  So today I finished my testing phase/training phase and I'm officially a real waiter.  I won't be on the schedule until after next Wednesday though, so I'm not sure how often I will be working, or if I'm even going to like it.  But that wasn't the point.  The main point was to see if I COULD do it, and I feel that I've made a remarkable step by challenging myself to something, going the extra step, and doing it.  I am not tied to them by any means, and I may find that I really like it because of the difference between this and what I have historically done.  And I may find that it rebuilds me psychologically to be able to re-enter my other world of work again along this trip of "getting better".  I did see tell-tale signs of slipping into a manic phase a few days ago; fortunately it didn't take ahold of me like they have and that means the medications are working.  So we will see how the next few weeks go but for now, it looks like there's some real recovery to be celebrated.

not even sure what to title

Not having a bad time here, just trying to roll with the changes of life.  The most recent is that I tested myself to go & get a job, which I did, first try out of the cage.  i wanted something that wasn't going to have the responsibilities that managing a building or property did, and figured I needed to start off "gentle".  So I decided to go & try to wait tables.  Got a job at my local Chili's bar & grill.  Still in training.  The training leaves a lot to be desired but I'm more than 1/2 way through and only have two tests to go.  I should be ok.  It was more of a test to see how I handled things, pressures, people I don't know and how new interactions would be now that my medications seem to be evened out.  So far so good but I have a tendency to wreck my own world so we'll see how it goes.  People can be so funny though.....

I have tomorrow off and will work more around the house and then back to the grind on Monday afternoon.  We'll see.