The year so far...patterns....realizations

Well Christmas & New Year's kicked my ass this year, mainly due to stupid actions on my own part.  Impulsive and plain stupid decisions really caused a riff to last the end of the year, and my resolve to start 2010 with a positive start got quashed. 

The crappy part of this is that the overlap, the "recourse" of my own mind, took an additional whole week.  I was useless pretty much all of the first week of the year.   I guess I must be thinking somewhat clearer because I was able to analyze my actions and decisions much closer than ever before, and in speaking with my counselor about my single worst decision, she stopped me and asked me WHY the decision was wrong.  Of course she knew, but she needed me to say it and verbalize it.  And it helped. 

There's a part of my mind that still feels sometimes that I'm still a child; maybe I'm bucking against what I feel are large responsibilities on my part in terms of the house upkeep (we have a very large place, about 2300 square feet), stress over finances, and inability to focus on important things effectively.

That last item - inability to focus - is the one that I'm most disturbed by.  It's as if my attention span is that of a gnat when something important or serious comes up for review.  I don't know why - the aversion is pretty much full on though.  I consider that a childish action - one that I never outgrew and has affected me my entire adult life.   It's also the one that causes the most friction in my life, both with employers and my partner.  So it's the one that must be worked on the hardest and first.

The "Mood 24/7" tool has already been useful - I'm noticing a definite pattern in my episodes.  It looks like I typically have 4-5 good days and then one where my mood drops majorly.  Given the events of the last few weeks, it doesn't surprise me that the rapid cylcing factor of my disorder has been triggered several times.  But I need things to even out to "normal" and/or less stressful to see if that pattern continues.

I see the psychiatrist tomorrow.  I'm fully expecting her to change the mood stabilizer.  I'm currently on 200mg of Lamactil daily - and I don't think it's doing any good.  I wonder if she's going to start me on Abilify.  I just want to make sure to follow how each of these drugs are metabolized by the body.  I'm hoping to start "reconstructing" my body by eating healthier and exercising to get the benefits from those activities too.  But I have to pay attention to what I'm taking - I think I'm scared to death that something is going to interact with something else, and I don't wanna be gone just when I'm starting on recovery road, you know?


Thanks for reading as always.
Kenny

The Journey is often a struggle

Sometimes I find myself thinking that I could, for one day, transplant my mind into the body of any one who questions what it is I feel on a daily basis.  Reactions, tones of voice.....all of the normal "parts" of day to day life are sometimes horrible trigger prone situations that just aren't understood.  But in an honest world, I wouldn't transplant this horror into anyone.

For Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, especially in a state that is not correctly (yet) medicated, being snapped at can be the equivalent of a knife in the heart.  It's so hard to hold back, to not respond in kind, to not lose control.....and the resulting confusion of emotions can be simply too much to handle.  While I'm not in the mind frame that I was a year & a half ago of wanting to just off myself, the stress that these situations puts my mind & body into are horrible.  Triggers can create horrible transposition of good & bad feelings quickly, sometimes within minutes of each other, and they are physically debilitating.

It's hard to continue when you feel that you're simply not understood, especially by the ones that are closest to you, who, even after attempting to supply tools of education about the disorder and how it affects decisions and perceptions still think that you're using Bipolar Disorder as an "excuse" to make mistakes.  That particular mindset makes it very hard to want to continue.....

I was in a great mood this morning and it got dashed within minutes.  All I want to do now is sleep and I had a day of music and creativity planned.   But that goes by the wayside very quickly when the trigger is pulled.....

Oh well.  Another step in the path to recovery, I guess.  But it sure sucks.

A new year starts...

Well it hasn't been the easiest new year I've experienced, that's for sure. I hit it in a rapid-cycling phase, brought on by stresses that I created myself, due to continuing to struggle with this illness. One minute you think you're fine, the next minute you're not - and it's even possible to be in both a manic and depressive phase at the same time. Not a lot of fun. To add to that, I picked up a nice stomach bug on Sunday and it's still with me on Tuesday.

Saw my counselor today for the first time in 3 weeks and there was so much to catch up on - got a couple of good lessons and directions as always. Now if they would just stick in my mind.

I don't think those that really matter to me will ever truly understand what this is I'm going through. Either out of non-desire to deal with it or inability to accept it - and I don't know what the future will hold because of that. It's kind of sad, but it's the way the world turns.

Gonna put on the happy face for now and try to muddle through the day, pull myself out of the funk if I can, and at the very least: try to make all the right decisions, at least for today. If I can keep that in my mind on a daily basis, then I should be alright.

K