The year so far...patterns....realizations

Well Christmas & New Year's kicked my ass this year, mainly due to stupid actions on my own part.  Impulsive and plain stupid decisions really caused a riff to last the end of the year, and my resolve to start 2010 with a positive start got quashed. 

The crappy part of this is that the overlap, the "recourse" of my own mind, took an additional whole week.  I was useless pretty much all of the first week of the year.   I guess I must be thinking somewhat clearer because I was able to analyze my actions and decisions much closer than ever before, and in speaking with my counselor about my single worst decision, she stopped me and asked me WHY the decision was wrong.  Of course she knew, but she needed me to say it and verbalize it.  And it helped. 

There's a part of my mind that still feels sometimes that I'm still a child; maybe I'm bucking against what I feel are large responsibilities on my part in terms of the house upkeep (we have a very large place, about 2300 square feet), stress over finances, and inability to focus on important things effectively.

That last item - inability to focus - is the one that I'm most disturbed by.  It's as if my attention span is that of a gnat when something important or serious comes up for review.  I don't know why - the aversion is pretty much full on though.  I consider that a childish action - one that I never outgrew and has affected me my entire adult life.   It's also the one that causes the most friction in my life, both with employers and my partner.  So it's the one that must be worked on the hardest and first.

The "Mood 24/7" tool has already been useful - I'm noticing a definite pattern in my episodes.  It looks like I typically have 4-5 good days and then one where my mood drops majorly.  Given the events of the last few weeks, it doesn't surprise me that the rapid cylcing factor of my disorder has been triggered several times.  But I need things to even out to "normal" and/or less stressful to see if that pattern continues.

I see the psychiatrist tomorrow.  I'm fully expecting her to change the mood stabilizer.  I'm currently on 200mg of Lamactil daily - and I don't think it's doing any good.  I wonder if she's going to start me on Abilify.  I just want to make sure to follow how each of these drugs are metabolized by the body.  I'm hoping to start "reconstructing" my body by eating healthier and exercising to get the benefits from those activities too.  But I have to pay attention to what I'm taking - I think I'm scared to death that something is going to interact with something else, and I don't wanna be gone just when I'm starting on recovery road, you know?


Thanks for reading as always.
Kenny

The Journey is often a struggle

Sometimes I find myself thinking that I could, for one day, transplant my mind into the body of any one who questions what it is I feel on a daily basis.  Reactions, tones of voice.....all of the normal "parts" of day to day life are sometimes horrible trigger prone situations that just aren't understood.  But in an honest world, I wouldn't transplant this horror into anyone.

For Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, especially in a state that is not correctly (yet) medicated, being snapped at can be the equivalent of a knife in the heart.  It's so hard to hold back, to not respond in kind, to not lose control.....and the resulting confusion of emotions can be simply too much to handle.  While I'm not in the mind frame that I was a year & a half ago of wanting to just off myself, the stress that these situations puts my mind & body into are horrible.  Triggers can create horrible transposition of good & bad feelings quickly, sometimes within minutes of each other, and they are physically debilitating.

It's hard to continue when you feel that you're simply not understood, especially by the ones that are closest to you, who, even after attempting to supply tools of education about the disorder and how it affects decisions and perceptions still think that you're using Bipolar Disorder as an "excuse" to make mistakes.  That particular mindset makes it very hard to want to continue.....

I was in a great mood this morning and it got dashed within minutes.  All I want to do now is sleep and I had a day of music and creativity planned.   But that goes by the wayside very quickly when the trigger is pulled.....

Oh well.  Another step in the path to recovery, I guess.  But it sure sucks.

A new year starts...

Well it hasn't been the easiest new year I've experienced, that's for sure. I hit it in a rapid-cycling phase, brought on by stresses that I created myself, due to continuing to struggle with this illness. One minute you think you're fine, the next minute you're not - and it's even possible to be in both a manic and depressive phase at the same time. Not a lot of fun. To add to that, I picked up a nice stomach bug on Sunday and it's still with me on Tuesday.

Saw my counselor today for the first time in 3 weeks and there was so much to catch up on - got a couple of good lessons and directions as always. Now if they would just stick in my mind.

I don't think those that really matter to me will ever truly understand what this is I'm going through. Either out of non-desire to deal with it or inability to accept it - and I don't know what the future will hold because of that. It's kind of sad, but it's the way the world turns.

Gonna put on the happy face for now and try to muddle through the day, pull myself out of the funk if I can, and at the very least: try to make all the right decisions, at least for today. If I can keep that in my mind on a daily basis, then I should be alright.

K

Feeling good - and then realizing scopes

For the past several weeks I have been talking freely about how much "better" I've felt in the last month - how it seems like all the pistons are firing correctly, that I'm "plugged in" - or at least feeling like it - but then I see signs of the dark side of this disorder try to rush back in to tak over.

Examples of this are feelings of despair, feelings of insignificance, (which are really the stronger of them), feelings of everyone thinking that I'm no better now than I was 2 months ago. While I know there is improvement I still feel myself start to tense up in unusual situations, something I used to never do.

No full blown panic attacks, and that's fantastic, but the anxiety can still creep in and take a very temporary hold. Now it's only a few minutes instead of a few days and that's also a welcome relief.

Did good all day - went & got to follow some acting stuff today and had 2 roles & 2 scenes to film. This experience has really been great and I'm planning on doing it until they finish the series out. Today's expisode was in the last episode they're filming for the season. They have about 10 weeks off & then they start Season 5. They aren't sure about 6 yet. I plan on continuing with it as long as I can.

Anyway, all this is to say that yes, I'm getting better, but it's really easy to trick my mind into thinking that the level of "better' is must bigger than it actually is.... and that, I must keep an eye on.

Reaction to two events

Nearly a year later...

Well I have been working for the better part of this year, 2009, to learn not only about what Bipolar Disorder is, but how to treat and regulate it. While I'm in a better state of mind than I was in 2008, a change in medicine seems to be working a bit but we're still not "there" yet.

The diagnosis was redefined as Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder; meaning I can go from a depressive state to mania within a day or even a few hours, and I can also be in both states at the same time. It's certainly not pleasant, but I can say, as with most Bipolar people, much prefer the manic state as I tend to get a lot done, can feel very productive and "up". The danger here is that continued or prolonged mania can lead to dangerous decisions and situations for the Bipolar person.

I'm going to reassert myself on this Blog in an effort to continue improving both my mental health, and my relationships with both my part and my friends.

Chronicling the journey

I was amazed today when i googled some terms into the web; I found several people, men around my age even, that were chronicling their discoveries of what it's like to be Bipolar, and their experiences both with different medications and treatments. I decided that with what this year has brought me, I would like to do the same.



So today I begin my own "therapizing" (my new favorite made-up word) and writing some of the crazy antics that I'm experiencing along the way. In the grand scheme of things, I still think I'm going crazy. That in a short while I might not be able to deal at all. But for the mean time I think I'm going to write the crazy thoughts down.



I think I scared my other half last night with description of the head pressure I have at times. And since I tend to turn to laughter and comedy for so many things, it's only fitting that the two "instances" I'm about to discuss here are actually quite comical.



The first, which I also explained to my counselor last week, is the funniest, in my opinion. You know the curls that orthodox Jewish men grow? Well in my "vision" I had 4 of them, and they were all being pulled downward with small monkeys/apes hanging on to them, creating the pressure. If I swung my head back & forth, the monkeys would hit the front & back of my face and head. I know they weren't really there, but that was the image that fit the pressure I felt.



The other vision was a fleeting thought when i was at a Christmas parade this past weekend. The streets had been cleared to make way for the floats, and for a brief second, I felt that I could, as my World of Warcraft character "Xanadont", run out in the middle of the empty street and spray everyone with holy nova, fixing everyone's health. Funny to me - probably crazy to anyone who reads this.



I know that sounds crazy. but you gotta admit it's also kinda funny.



I don't mean it to; it's just a way of sharing these funny thoughts that run through my mind faster than I care to admit. At least I'm saying them now instead of keeping them inside. But I'm going to be honest too - they scare me from time to time, especially when they are accompanied by pressure in my head or minor pains. I'm kind of afraid to discuss the pains too much but I know I will have to sooner or later.



I don't think my meds are right. I'm on Lexapro (30 milligrams/day) and Clonzapan/Klonopin (.5 milligrams, up to 1/2 - 1 of those twice a day; however, I find I do better if I take 1/2 of one every 4 hours) - and while I felt several months of improvement at first, the last week has been starting to feel as if I'm going on a downward spiral. I can't let that happen as there is too much at stake right now.

So I don't really know what the next step is - after weeks of solid, dramatic improvement, things kinda seem to be turning downward again, but maybe that's just part of the whole picture. I don't know either if I'll ever truly get used to that - for last night's rapid cycling was pretty uncomfortable to me.

Surely more to follow here soon, but I'm gonna say that I'm glad to be able to write this all down as it happens - maybe someone else will find the same things that have happened to me are happening to them and if that can be of help, then some good will have come from all of this. So keep your fingers crossed.

Kenny