Back to life, back to reality

It's amazing what medication, therapy and time can do.  For today I felt a wave of normalcy that I haven't experienced in ages, it seems.

Four years ago I got very physically ill with a lymph node infection that started a 6 month course of illness that couldn't be contained, and was very difficult for my doctors to figure out. It culminated in a huge tumor-like abcess on my neck which took 3 months from start to finish to get rid of, and 6 months later a tonsillectomy that seemed to clear up the problem.  However the depression that kicked in during this time brought to light a whole other problem.  That problem was finally named correctly as Bipolar Disorder.

Today I stood on my own again as a man feeling in control of destiny, control of myself AND my emotions.  Able to experience happiness without feeling that I was spinning into a manic phase.  Able to experience life and not second guess my judgment and not worry that I was "freaking out" if I saw something sad on tv.  I finished 3 years of solid therapy today and that is amazing.   My therapist, Susan, is someone I will always treasure having had the opportunity to meet with and while we are going to keep a standing appointment on the books for the next two months, I can just call her a week beforehand and tell her whether I "need" the appointment or not.  And at that we will part ways.  It's sad in a way as I have truly enjoyed meeting her and her influence in my life, enabling me to see what I was doing wrong, and what I needed to adjust without ever telling me what to do.  But she has done her job very very well and I finally feel like this bird can fly again.

I have returned to work, and have further plans to re-enter my normal profession within the next six to twelve months.  I realize I will always be on these medications but if they are able to help me feel THIS normal then bring them on, I say!

I can't believe it - I'm living my life again!

So out of training, on with life

As I wrote in my last posting, I "tested' myself to see if I could be hired anywhere, and I was, first interview out of the bag, at Chili's as a server.  Now, I've been asked, given the situation of the last few years, and the last year especially, why would I choose something stressful?  I didn't view it as stressful - i viewed it as something different than I've done before, and even though I've waited tables before, it's been years since I did.  So today I finished my testing phase/training phase and I'm officially a real waiter.  I won't be on the schedule until after next Wednesday though, so I'm not sure how often I will be working, or if I'm even going to like it.  But that wasn't the point.  The main point was to see if I COULD do it, and I feel that I've made a remarkable step by challenging myself to something, going the extra step, and doing it.  I am not tied to them by any means, and I may find that I really like it because of the difference between this and what I have historically done.  And I may find that it rebuilds me psychologically to be able to re-enter my other world of work again along this trip of "getting better".  I did see tell-tale signs of slipping into a manic phase a few days ago; fortunately it didn't take ahold of me like they have and that means the medications are working.  So we will see how the next few weeks go but for now, it looks like there's some real recovery to be celebrated.

not even sure what to title

Not having a bad time here, just trying to roll with the changes of life.  The most recent is that I tested myself to go & get a job, which I did, first try out of the cage.  i wanted something that wasn't going to have the responsibilities that managing a building or property did, and figured I needed to start off "gentle".  So I decided to go & try to wait tables.  Got a job at my local Chili's bar & grill.  Still in training.  The training leaves a lot to be desired but I'm more than 1/2 way through and only have two tests to go.  I should be ok.  It was more of a test to see how I handled things, pressures, people I don't know and how new interactions would be now that my medications seem to be evened out.  So far so good but I have a tendency to wreck my own world so we'll see how it goes.  People can be so funny though.....

I have tomorrow off and will work more around the house and then back to the grind on Monday afternoon.  We'll see.

About the child.....

So today in the aftermath of a child being killed and discarded in our neighborhood like a used toy, the news and media are crawling in front of the house and the area where the body was found.  Our doorbell got rang, and a female reporter asked me a few questions.  She wanted to interview me on camera but I declined after second thought, agreeing with Ed that it'd be disrespectful of the situation and bring more news to the area.  We've already seen a huge increase in traffic slowing down in front of the house to "get a peek" at where this happened.

I think as humans we have a morbid curiosity to things like this, although I do not understand why.  I have been guilty of that myself, and will slow looking at a wreck on the road.  Not because I want to, but because there's just an interest of "oh, what happened?".

In the neighborhood, well, I guess I have to admit I'm kinda Gladys Kravitzish in that I am home all the time and I want to know that people walking around my neighborhood belong here and that it is kept safe.  I'm getting older now and safety is a concern that will grow every day - I can't help now but look at a stranger when they walk down the street - are you involved?

Anyone that can find anyplace in their heart or soul where it's ok to take the life of a child.....well that is truly a monster in our day and age......

What needs to be written

There are so many thoughts on my mind this morning that I've decided to not write about them right this moment, but to wait until the excitement and emotion of the day (and houseguests) dies down to write about them intelligently and get exactly what I want to say about them down.

The first is the shocking and disturbing death of a child across the street from us; at least the finding of the body of a child.  This is a quiet neighborhood and definitely the first happening of this type event since we've lived here.

The second is weight related and will be not only open & honest about my own dealings with the weight that I've put on, but with how other people treat me and physical effects of it in doing something like going to an amusement park.  Something very embarrassing happened to me today from a result of my being overweight and it definitely had a motivating push behind it afterwards.  I. Must. Change. Things.

So, more on these two topics tomorrow, separately.

Bring on the mania

Bring on mania, dammit!

One of the most unusual byproducts of Bipolar Disorder is the desire on the afflicted to actually desire one of the phases over another.  For those who are unaware, there are two "phases" of bipolar disorder that define the condition.  One is the depressive phase, and the other is the manic phase.  While either one can reach dangerous extremes, I find that I MUCH prefer the manic phase over the other.  When I'm in manic phase, I tend to be very up, very productive, and very energetic.  I can tell that I'm entering a manic phase right now, but it's not uncontrolled, so to speak.  I just feel it coming.  And I'm actually looking forward to it so I can get some things done in the next few days.

As I wrote yesterday, the medications have helped the period of time between severe mood swings - but they've also made me much more aware of their effects on my mind and body.  I have a lot to get done right now because I had a pretty severe depressive phase over the last two days and did pretty much nothing - so as you can imagine, clothes have piled up, dishes need to be done, I'm trying to sell my car, it needs to be cleaned out, still cleaning out and streamlining the past by throwing out unnecessary items which have moved with me over the last 30 years and all of this I can get done if I enter mania.  How sad is that?

So we'll see how the day goes, but I'm already filling up my calendar with "to-do's". 

The physical side of depression / bipolar disorder

As I start to write this I find that my first thought was "this could be it's own blog" kind of subject might be too 'pending doom' in its subject line... but it's the exact lesson today for me.

Mentally I have been feeling pretty good and alert & all... doc thinks we have the right balance here with the meds and I have to agree.  Just to note, it took 14 months to get to an acceptable balance of:  1200 mg lithium, 15 mg Abilify, and 200 mg lamictal daily.  This diagnosis which started off as depression began dosing at 30 mg of Lexapro and then we've tried everything from Wellbutrin, Clonazepam and a few others.  The journey here was not easy.

So today even though I'm feeling better and having somewhat of an interesting day, getting the lawnmower repaired, etc.,, my physical self had no energy, no gusto, and was physically heavy just getting in & out of the car.  Walking up the stair, I'm winded.  Walking from room to room, I'm winded.  Part of that is weightt, part is from smoking and part is the depression.

I got distracted and will post this now & add later - i can'think at the moment.

*appended 3/5/2010 10:10 a.m.
Well the physical pressure ended today - I woke up feeling normal and alert and in a good mood.  But the last two days have been pure hell.  I could barely function - just cooking dinner last night, as quick as it was(chicken salads) made me physically exhausted and barely able to move.  I can't stand this.  My thought is that since the swings are better controlled than they used to be - I'm more aware of the depression phase when it hits me.  It makes me very sad and longing for yesteryear. 

I ran across a bunch of video tapes with performances on them and one of them was especially good, but as I watched it, all I could think was "Who is that stranger?"  I so miss the person I used to be, happy-go-lucky, carefree, always in a good & fun mood.  This disorder has wrecked my mental life, my belief in myself, my confidence, and in some ways my relationship.  I don't feel able to give the things I need to give to make both of us happy.  While this is something I'm working on, I don't know what the answer is.

So when you see the commercials for anti-depression medication, and they discuss the aches & pains that accompany it, don't guffaw at it.  Those are very real aches and pains that affect someone suffering with depression.  It almost feels like you've come down with the flu, it's that intense.

But like I said, happily, I'm in good spirits today and hopefully it's going to be several months again before I cycle down to this level.

As always, thanks for reading.
Kenny