Not having a bad time here, just trying to roll with the changes of life. The most recent is that I tested myself to go & get a job, which I did, first try out of the cage. i wanted something that wasn't going to have the responsibilities that managing a building or property did, and figured I needed to start off "gentle". So I decided to go & try to wait tables. Got a job at my local Chili's bar & grill. Still in training. The training leaves a lot to be desired but I'm more than 1/2 way through and only have two tests to go. I should be ok. It was more of a test to see how I handled things, pressures, people I don't know and how new interactions would be now that my medications seem to be evened out. So far so good but I have a tendency to wreck my own world so we'll see how it goes. People can be so funny though.....
I have tomorrow off and will work more around the house and then back to the grind on Monday afternoon. We'll see.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
About the child.....
So today in the aftermath of a child being killed and discarded in our neighborhood like a used toy, the news and media are crawling in front of the house and the area where the body was found. Our doorbell got rang, and a female reporter asked me a few questions. She wanted to interview me on camera but I declined after second thought, agreeing with Ed that it'd be disrespectful of the situation and bring more news to the area. We've already seen a huge increase in traffic slowing down in front of the house to "get a peek" at where this happened.
I think as humans we have a morbid curiosity to things like this, although I do not understand why. I have been guilty of that myself, and will slow looking at a wreck on the road. Not because I want to, but because there's just an interest of "oh, what happened?".
In the neighborhood, well, I guess I have to admit I'm kinda Gladys Kravitzish in that I am home all the time and I want to know that people walking around my neighborhood belong here and that it is kept safe. I'm getting older now and safety is a concern that will grow every day - I can't help now but look at a stranger when they walk down the street - are you involved?
Anyone that can find anyplace in their heart or soul where it's ok to take the life of a child.....well that is truly a monster in our day and age......
I think as humans we have a morbid curiosity to things like this, although I do not understand why. I have been guilty of that myself, and will slow looking at a wreck on the road. Not because I want to, but because there's just an interest of "oh, what happened?".
In the neighborhood, well, I guess I have to admit I'm kinda Gladys Kravitzish in that I am home all the time and I want to know that people walking around my neighborhood belong here and that it is kept safe. I'm getting older now and safety is a concern that will grow every day - I can't help now but look at a stranger when they walk down the street - are you involved?
Anyone that can find anyplace in their heart or soul where it's ok to take the life of a child.....well that is truly a monster in our day and age......
What needs to be written
There are so many thoughts on my mind this morning that I've decided to not write about them right this moment, but to wait until the excitement and emotion of the day (and houseguests) dies down to write about them intelligently and get exactly what I want to say about them down.
The first is the shocking and disturbing death of a child across the street from us; at least the finding of the body of a child. This is a quiet neighborhood and definitely the first happening of this type event since we've lived here.
The second is weight related and will be not only open & honest about my own dealings with the weight that I've put on, but with how other people treat me and physical effects of it in doing something like going to an amusement park. Something very embarrassing happened to me today from a result of my being overweight and it definitely had a motivating push behind it afterwards. I. Must. Change. Things.
So, more on these two topics tomorrow, separately.
The first is the shocking and disturbing death of a child across the street from us; at least the finding of the body of a child. This is a quiet neighborhood and definitely the first happening of this type event since we've lived here.
The second is weight related and will be not only open & honest about my own dealings with the weight that I've put on, but with how other people treat me and physical effects of it in doing something like going to an amusement park. Something very embarrassing happened to me today from a result of my being overweight and it definitely had a motivating push behind it afterwards. I. Must. Change. Things.
So, more on these two topics tomorrow, separately.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Bring on the mania
Bring on mania, dammit!
One of the most unusual byproducts of Bipolar Disorder is the desire on the afflicted to actually desire one of the phases over another. For those who are unaware, there are two "phases" of bipolar disorder that define the condition. One is the depressive phase, and the other is the manic phase. While either one can reach dangerous extremes, I find that I MUCH prefer the manic phase over the other. When I'm in manic phase, I tend to be very up, very productive, and very energetic. I can tell that I'm entering a manic phase right now, but it's not uncontrolled, so to speak. I just feel it coming. And I'm actually looking forward to it so I can get some things done in the next few days.
As I wrote yesterday, the medications have helped the period of time between severe mood swings - but they've also made me much more aware of their effects on my mind and body. I have a lot to get done right now because I had a pretty severe depressive phase over the last two days and did pretty much nothing - so as you can imagine, clothes have piled up, dishes need to be done, I'm trying to sell my car, it needs to be cleaned out, still cleaning out and streamlining the past by throwing out unnecessary items which have moved with me over the last 30 years and all of this I can get done if I enter mania. How sad is that?
So we'll see how the day goes, but I'm already filling up my calendar with "to-do's".
One of the most unusual byproducts of Bipolar Disorder is the desire on the afflicted to actually desire one of the phases over another. For those who are unaware, there are two "phases" of bipolar disorder that define the condition. One is the depressive phase, and the other is the manic phase. While either one can reach dangerous extremes, I find that I MUCH prefer the manic phase over the other. When I'm in manic phase, I tend to be very up, very productive, and very energetic. I can tell that I'm entering a manic phase right now, but it's not uncontrolled, so to speak. I just feel it coming. And I'm actually looking forward to it so I can get some things done in the next few days.
As I wrote yesterday, the medications have helped the period of time between severe mood swings - but they've also made me much more aware of their effects on my mind and body. I have a lot to get done right now because I had a pretty severe depressive phase over the last two days and did pretty much nothing - so as you can imagine, clothes have piled up, dishes need to be done, I'm trying to sell my car, it needs to be cleaned out, still cleaning out and streamlining the past by throwing out unnecessary items which have moved with me over the last 30 years and all of this I can get done if I enter mania. How sad is that?
So we'll see how the day goes, but I'm already filling up my calendar with "to-do's".
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The physical side of depression / bipolar disorder
As I start to write this I find that my first thought was "this could be it's own blog" kind of subject might be too 'pending doom' in its subject line... but it's the exact lesson today for me.
Mentally I have been feeling pretty good and alert & all... doc thinks we have the right balance here with the meds and I have to agree. Just to note, it took 14 months to get to an acceptable balance of: 1200 mg lithium, 15 mg Abilify, and 200 mg lamictal daily. This diagnosis which started off as depression began dosing at 30 mg of Lexapro and then we've tried everything from Wellbutrin, Clonazepam and a few others. The journey here was not easy.
So today even though I'm feeling better and having somewhat of an interesting day, getting the lawnmower repaired, etc.,, my physical self had no energy, no gusto, and was physically heavy just getting in & out of the car. Walking up the stair, I'm winded. Walking from room to room, I'm winded. Part of that is weightt, part is from smoking and part is the depression.
I got distracted and will post this now & add later - i can'think at the moment.
*appended 3/5/2010 10:10 a.m.
Well the physical pressure ended today - I woke up feeling normal and alert and in a good mood. But the last two days have been pure hell. I could barely function - just cooking dinner last night, as quick as it was(chicken salads) made me physically exhausted and barely able to move. I can't stand this. My thought is that since the swings are better controlled than they used to be - I'm more aware of the depression phase when it hits me. It makes me very sad and longing for yesteryear.
I ran across a bunch of video tapes with performances on them and one of them was especially good, but as I watched it, all I could think was "Who is that stranger?" I so miss the person I used to be, happy-go-lucky, carefree, always in a good & fun mood. This disorder has wrecked my mental life, my belief in myself, my confidence, and in some ways my relationship. I don't feel able to give the things I need to give to make both of us happy. While this is something I'm working on, I don't know what the answer is.
So when you see the commercials for anti-depression medication, and they discuss the aches & pains that accompany it, don't guffaw at it. Those are very real aches and pains that affect someone suffering with depression. It almost feels like you've come down with the flu, it's that intense.
But like I said, happily, I'm in good spirits today and hopefully it's going to be several months again before I cycle down to this level.
As always, thanks for reading.
Kenny
Mentally I have been feeling pretty good and alert & all... doc thinks we have the right balance here with the meds and I have to agree. Just to note, it took 14 months to get to an acceptable balance of: 1200 mg lithium, 15 mg Abilify, and 200 mg lamictal daily. This diagnosis which started off as depression began dosing at 30 mg of Lexapro and then we've tried everything from Wellbutrin, Clonazepam and a few others. The journey here was not easy.
So today even though I'm feeling better and having somewhat of an interesting day, getting the lawnmower repaired, etc.,, my physical self had no energy, no gusto, and was physically heavy just getting in & out of the car. Walking up the stair, I'm winded. Walking from room to room, I'm winded. Part of that is weightt, part is from smoking and part is the depression.
I got distracted and will post this now & add later - i can'think at the moment.
*appended 3/5/2010 10:10 a.m.
Well the physical pressure ended today - I woke up feeling normal and alert and in a good mood. But the last two days have been pure hell. I could barely function - just cooking dinner last night, as quick as it was(chicken salads) made me physically exhausted and barely able to move. I can't stand this. My thought is that since the swings are better controlled than they used to be - I'm more aware of the depression phase when it hits me. It makes me very sad and longing for yesteryear.
I ran across a bunch of video tapes with performances on them and one of them was especially good, but as I watched it, all I could think was "Who is that stranger?" I so miss the person I used to be, happy-go-lucky, carefree, always in a good & fun mood. This disorder has wrecked my mental life, my belief in myself, my confidence, and in some ways my relationship. I don't feel able to give the things I need to give to make both of us happy. While this is something I'm working on, I don't know what the answer is.
So when you see the commercials for anti-depression medication, and they discuss the aches & pains that accompany it, don't guffaw at it. Those are very real aches and pains that affect someone suffering with depression. It almost feels like you've come down with the flu, it's that intense.
But like I said, happily, I'm in good spirits today and hopefully it's going to be several months again before I cycle down to this level.
As always, thanks for reading.
Kenny
Sunday, February 7, 2010
an extraordinary epiphany
A few weeks ago, I had an epiphany (breakthrough) that was of massive proportions to me. I fully believe I would have never come to these conclusions and ideas had it not been for the 2+ years of therapy at this point, interactions with my psychiatrist and my medical doctor, all of whom have been of extraordinary help to me in their own individual ways.
Several years ago, probably at the onset of a very long lasting manic episode, I convinced myself that my normal "mode" at the time - always laughing, making others laugh, insessant puns, jokes, etc. and always "on the go" daily life - well, I convinced myself that this was very irritating to people around me. Kinda of like Robin Williams in his early days - never stopping, etc. - making people wish there was an "off switch". And with that, I climbed back into myself and didn't want to come out. In fact it got so bad when I came off the manic episode and slipped, no, FELL into the darkest period of depression that I've ever experienced, that I wanted to do the ultimate attention getting act: I wanted to kill myself. I even had a date, letter, and method planned out. It was that bad.
Now I can look back on those words of "kill myself" and thank God that I didn't (even though God = its own set of unsuredness factors in my life) - because it would have hurt many people whom I'm close to. I can't imagine first of all the grief that it would have caused my mother, nor the pain that I would have caused my partner.
But this wasn't the epiphany.
Back several weeks ago, the performing group I am in, River City Pops, had auditions for our specialty acts for the show. (smaller duos or groups). I auditioned participating in 3 of them. 2 of them got selected which would have made any one else happy, but the third number....well I was really frustrated because we were not even able to complete the song in the audition process. This was due to a couple of factors not really under control, but in my nearly 30 years of performing I've NEVER NOT had a complete audition, one that ended with "We're lost". Of course I didn't find out until later that night that the number didn't get picked, but when I arrived home after the audition, I felt my mood - which had been leveled out at a solid "8" (out of 10) for several weeks, I believe due to the addition of Abilify to my pill diet. I felt myself letting feelings of anger, frustration, and more importantly, failure slipping in..... and then it happened.
I was able to pin a trigger point to FAILURE. FAILURE seems to be a really difficult thing for me to agree into accepting. I just don't seem to handle it well, and while I know the intelligent thing is to learn from failures, I didn't seem to be able to shft into that mode that night.
Well I thought that was epiphinous enough, I sat down to write my therapist/counselor a note to remind me to tell her about it, but when I wrote the word failure I automatically typed the words "in my life" and then BOOM like a ton of bricks I began having waves upon waves of realization and understanding.
My parents split when I was 10, with my mom leaving right after my birthday in 1975. And I realized at that moment, buried beneath all my "understanding" of why mom left, left me with an alcoholic (all of which I have never truly had any anger about; it made me who I am) etc.....was the feeling that I somehow felt guilty and RESPONSIBLE for their split. That I had somehow FAILED in keeping my family together. My brother & sister were all already out of the house, at ages even too young for them. My sister at 16, my brother a year later when he turned 16, and all that was left was this little kid - me - dealing with the fallout. Where was my help? My dad was a boozer; incapable of love or support or kindness - and imagine my relief when I found several years later he was not my biological father.
But at that age, 10 years old, I began to show signs of slipping into mental illness and bipolar disorder probably started taking root around this time. I gained weight almost immediatley. I had always been a thin child, not bad thin, but healthy and normal in weight and shape. I walked with my shoulders slumped over to hide extra weight, my embarassment, never took my shirt off at the pool - maybe all of which were physical reactions to the idea of ANYONE getting close to me - it was my way of folding into myself and hiding from the world.
I began to act out - stealing things and acting badly - and I realize now that every single act of taking things, taking what I wanted, having more than others.... was all a way of trying to take back what had been taken from me.... comfort, security, care..... and that unfortunate activity went through into my young adult and middle adult years unattended to, and got me into serious trouble with the law and my employers and everyone around me, who could see the destructive behavior but knew not how to help.
This realization has made a huge difference as I continue growing past my troubles and remain committed to kicking Bipolar Disorder - even though I know there's no cure - I AM going to win this f'ing battle. And that, no one can stop....
Thanks for reading - this one was hard to write!
Several years ago, probably at the onset of a very long lasting manic episode, I convinced myself that my normal "mode" at the time - always laughing, making others laugh, insessant puns, jokes, etc. and always "on the go" daily life - well, I convinced myself that this was very irritating to people around me. Kinda of like Robin Williams in his early days - never stopping, etc. - making people wish there was an "off switch". And with that, I climbed back into myself and didn't want to come out. In fact it got so bad when I came off the manic episode and slipped, no, FELL into the darkest period of depression that I've ever experienced, that I wanted to do the ultimate attention getting act: I wanted to kill myself. I even had a date, letter, and method planned out. It was that bad.
Now I can look back on those words of "kill myself" and thank God that I didn't (even though God = its own set of unsuredness factors in my life) - because it would have hurt many people whom I'm close to. I can't imagine first of all the grief that it would have caused my mother, nor the pain that I would have caused my partner.
But this wasn't the epiphany.
Back several weeks ago, the performing group I am in, River City Pops, had auditions for our specialty acts for the show. (smaller duos or groups). I auditioned participating in 3 of them. 2 of them got selected which would have made any one else happy, but the third number....well I was really frustrated because we were not even able to complete the song in the audition process. This was due to a couple of factors not really under control, but in my nearly 30 years of performing I've NEVER NOT had a complete audition, one that ended with "We're lost". Of course I didn't find out until later that night that the number didn't get picked, but when I arrived home after the audition, I felt my mood - which had been leveled out at a solid "8" (out of 10) for several weeks, I believe due to the addition of Abilify to my pill diet. I felt myself letting feelings of anger, frustration, and more importantly, failure slipping in..... and then it happened.
I was able to pin a trigger point to FAILURE. FAILURE seems to be a really difficult thing for me to agree into accepting. I just don't seem to handle it well, and while I know the intelligent thing is to learn from failures, I didn't seem to be able to shft into that mode that night.
Well I thought that was epiphinous enough, I sat down to write my therapist/counselor a note to remind me to tell her about it, but when I wrote the word failure I automatically typed the words "in my life" and then BOOM like a ton of bricks I began having waves upon waves of realization and understanding.
My parents split when I was 10, with my mom leaving right after my birthday in 1975. And I realized at that moment, buried beneath all my "understanding" of why mom left, left me with an alcoholic (all of which I have never truly had any anger about; it made me who I am) etc.....was the feeling that I somehow felt guilty and RESPONSIBLE for their split. That I had somehow FAILED in keeping my family together. My brother & sister were all already out of the house, at ages even too young for them. My sister at 16, my brother a year later when he turned 16, and all that was left was this little kid - me - dealing with the fallout. Where was my help? My dad was a boozer; incapable of love or support or kindness - and imagine my relief when I found several years later he was not my biological father.
But at that age, 10 years old, I began to show signs of slipping into mental illness and bipolar disorder probably started taking root around this time. I gained weight almost immediatley. I had always been a thin child, not bad thin, but healthy and normal in weight and shape. I walked with my shoulders slumped over to hide extra weight, my embarassment, never took my shirt off at the pool - maybe all of which were physical reactions to the idea of ANYONE getting close to me - it was my way of folding into myself and hiding from the world.
I began to act out - stealing things and acting badly - and I realize now that every single act of taking things, taking what I wanted, having more than others.... was all a way of trying to take back what had been taken from me.... comfort, security, care..... and that unfortunate activity went through into my young adult and middle adult years unattended to, and got me into serious trouble with the law and my employers and everyone around me, who could see the destructive behavior but knew not how to help.
This realization has made a huge difference as I continue growing past my troubles and remain committed to kicking Bipolar Disorder - even though I know there's no cure - I AM going to win this f'ing battle. And that, no one can stop....
Thanks for reading - this one was hard to write!
Monday, January 11, 2010
The year so far...patterns....realizations
Well Christmas & New Year's kicked my ass this year, mainly due to stupid actions on my own part. Impulsive and plain stupid decisions really caused a riff to last the end of the year, and my resolve to start 2010 with a positive start got quashed.
The crappy part of this is that the overlap, the "recourse" of my own mind, took an additional whole week. I was useless pretty much all of the first week of the year. I guess I must be thinking somewhat clearer because I was able to analyze my actions and decisions much closer than ever before, and in speaking with my counselor about my single worst decision, she stopped me and asked me WHY the decision was wrong. Of course she knew, but she needed me to say it and verbalize it. And it helped.
There's a part of my mind that still feels sometimes that I'm still a child; maybe I'm bucking against what I feel are large responsibilities on my part in terms of the house upkeep (we have a very large place, about 2300 square feet), stress over finances, and inability to focus on important things effectively.
That last item - inability to focus - is the one that I'm most disturbed by. It's as if my attention span is that of a gnat when something important or serious comes up for review. I don't know why - the aversion is pretty much full on though. I consider that a childish action - one that I never outgrew and has affected me my entire adult life. It's also the one that causes the most friction in my life, both with employers and my partner. So it's the one that must be worked on the hardest and first.
The "Mood 24/7" tool has already been useful - I'm noticing a definite pattern in my episodes. It looks like I typically have 4-5 good days and then one where my mood drops majorly. Given the events of the last few weeks, it doesn't surprise me that the rapid cylcing factor of my disorder has been triggered several times. But I need things to even out to "normal" and/or less stressful to see if that pattern continues.
I see the psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm fully expecting her to change the mood stabilizer. I'm currently on 200mg of Lamactil daily - and I don't think it's doing any good. I wonder if she's going to start me on Abilify. I just want to make sure to follow how each of these drugs are metabolized by the body. I'm hoping to start "reconstructing" my body by eating healthier and exercising to get the benefits from those activities too. But I have to pay attention to what I'm taking - I think I'm scared to death that something is going to interact with something else, and I don't wanna be gone just when I'm starting on recovery road, you know?
Thanks for reading as always.
Kenny
The crappy part of this is that the overlap, the "recourse" of my own mind, took an additional whole week. I was useless pretty much all of the first week of the year. I guess I must be thinking somewhat clearer because I was able to analyze my actions and decisions much closer than ever before, and in speaking with my counselor about my single worst decision, she stopped me and asked me WHY the decision was wrong. Of course she knew, but she needed me to say it and verbalize it. And it helped.
There's a part of my mind that still feels sometimes that I'm still a child; maybe I'm bucking against what I feel are large responsibilities on my part in terms of the house upkeep (we have a very large place, about 2300 square feet), stress over finances, and inability to focus on important things effectively.
That last item - inability to focus - is the one that I'm most disturbed by. It's as if my attention span is that of a gnat when something important or serious comes up for review. I don't know why - the aversion is pretty much full on though. I consider that a childish action - one that I never outgrew and has affected me my entire adult life. It's also the one that causes the most friction in my life, both with employers and my partner. So it's the one that must be worked on the hardest and first.
The "Mood 24/7" tool has already been useful - I'm noticing a definite pattern in my episodes. It looks like I typically have 4-5 good days and then one where my mood drops majorly. Given the events of the last few weeks, it doesn't surprise me that the rapid cylcing factor of my disorder has been triggered several times. But I need things to even out to "normal" and/or less stressful to see if that pattern continues.
I see the psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm fully expecting her to change the mood stabilizer. I'm currently on 200mg of Lamactil daily - and I don't think it's doing any good. I wonder if she's going to start me on Abilify. I just want to make sure to follow how each of these drugs are metabolized by the body. I'm hoping to start "reconstructing" my body by eating healthier and exercising to get the benefits from those activities too. But I have to pay attention to what I'm taking - I think I'm scared to death that something is going to interact with something else, and I don't wanna be gone just when I'm starting on recovery road, you know?
Thanks for reading as always.
Kenny
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)