Doing ok!

Well......here we are 9 months into the lithium treatment and I have to say I'm quite surprised at the effect it's had on my bipolar disorder symptoms.

A lot of people think that the medication eradicates the symptoms - let me tell you - it does NOT.   There's no pill or drug or treatment that will ever take the problems away.  The medication only serves to lengthen the time in between episodes and hopefully lessen the severity of them when they hit.  And they do still hit.  The mood swings still happen but the effect of them is not as intense.

For example, I can feel a depressed phase come on and it will stick with me for 2-3 days now and while I'm not crying and despondent I'm still down and depressed.  But the medication has worked to the point where they depressed phases no longer carry suicidal thoughts or tendencies with them.  In reverse, I can also feel a manic phase coming - which is happening right now - and as I've said before, most cases of bipolar disorder find the individual actually welcoming those episodes.  I do - I tend to be more productive, more "on top of things" and more energetic when I'm in a manic phase.  And as with the other phase, fortunately the medication has limited the far-reaching effects of bipolar disorder in a manic episode, which include making irrational and sometimes dangerous decisions.

The one bad effect that I have had from the lithium is the addition of about 40 pounds onto my frame this year.  (See my other journal/blog, The KP One Year Project to read about that)   My doctor did tell me that would happen,. but she didn't say how much.  Guess she couldn't have known but I'm miserable about my weight right now.  So, I'm doing something to counteract that.  Dangerously, earlier today I considered going off my meds to see what would happen - it was one of the triggers that made me realize a manic episode is coming.  But I doubt I'll follow through with that thought process....

Anyway that's where we are today!  Thanks for reading.

I'm going to start getting risker in my posts here

I'm going to start writing a little more riskier and about what I observe throughout the day here.  I just started reading some other blogs and one was titled:  "Dissension Amongst Protestant Theologians :- New Perspective on Paul" and I thought, damn, my writing is boring.  Why can't I come up with something like that?  I guess in all honesty the real question is Why would I?


Not knocking what anyone blogs about - it's all words coming out of our heads/asses and there will be some who are interested in what you write.  Maybe I have to make sure I'm interested myself when I write it before I can worry about someone else.  Chicken/egg sort of thing, I suppose. 


So that's all to say that soon I'll be having more interesting titles to my posts, even if the posts themselves end up being totally non-related to the subjects, hahahaha.  Gotta do something to grab attention.


I guess I could write about some of the oddities I see throughout the day at the restaurant, or my ongoing bitching about people who don't know how to or even to TIP your waiter.  I give consistently good service and have actually had people completely stiff me - it's the worst feeling in the world and I hope that karma comes around to bite these people squarely in the fat ass.  Almost as bad - having someone who just had a $50 check turn around and hand me ONE DOLLAR and say "This is for you" and act like you're really doing me some sort of huge favor.   Thanks, Ms. 300 pound lard ass - I hope you appreciate the fact that you just ran me ragged for an hour with constant requests "Can I have some honey mustard?"  "Can I have a to go box?" "Can I have a to go drink?" "Can I have some extra napkins?" and kept me from having someone seated at that table who understands that you tip a minimum of 10% to someone who BRINGS YOU SHIT.   I'll spit in your damn food next time I see you coming - hope you like that tip.   I work for - get this - $2.17 an HOUR and SURVIVE on your tips - and you got good service so don't pull that crap with me.  If you can't afford to tip your server, then don't fucking go out to eat.  Sorry, it's a sore subject with me after having it happen 3 times last week.  And please excuse my profanity - just part of today's mood.


Was that a tirade?  Maybe so but it's been on my mind and I just felt the need to get it out. LOL>  Maybe this subject should have been "Waiter tells it how it really is - a new perspective".

Today & yesterday

Well I had a sinking feeling that I was slipping into a depressed phase the last few days and today wasn't much of an improvement.  I just feel lethargic - I'm depressed because of the weight that the lithium has put on me, and even though I have plans to combat that, it's depressing all the same.  I'm the heaviest I've been since high school and it bothers the shit out of me.  Nothing fits, nothing looks good, and I just look like a big whale walking around.  It's embarrassing to me.  I don't want to be this heavy and I wonder how hard of a time I'm going to have taking this weight off of me.  But it's not just that - I'm kind of stuck in a place with my job that I'm not sure I like a whole lot,. and don't know where to get out of that either.  I want to get back to what I used to do and do well - I just wonder if there will ever be a job there again for me.   Just blah, just blah blah blah.

Life is good....

I haven't stayed true to what I had intended on this blog because well frankly, life has been good.  Not that it's a good excuse, well I guess it kinda IS a good excuse if I have to have an excuse at all.  But I haven't had any swings that have been out of control.   I have had a few down days, a few bad moods, but nothing - NOTHING - like what they were pre-med.

I'm currently on 1200 mg of Lithium, 200 mg of Lamictal, and 10 mg of Abilify a day and that seems to be the magic combination for this bipolar man to make life livable again.  I'm pretty much constantly in a good mood, happy, and adjust to stresses well.  Of course, I expose myself to these things (stresses) in small amounts, but I'm feeling the need to expand that soon.

The downside:  Being on disability and only working part time makes for some very boring days.  So, as I've put on weight with the medication, and have some life goals to reach as I'm turning 45 in 28 days, I will be starting a new blog that will be a diary of sorts for me to follow the goals as I reach for them.  It's called the "KP One Year Project" and I hope to attain several goals during the one year from September 7, 2010 to September 7, 2011.  I'm waiting a full week after my birthday of September 1 so that I can enjoy the birthday week as I typically do, and don't want to have diet restrictions going on during the celebrating.  45.  Wow, can't believe I actually got to it.

Thanks to those of you who have followed my bipolar blog.  It's been a journey back to "normal" and I thank everyone who has been so supportive.  I do intend on keeping it going,  I need to take advantage of the writing space on the days that the bads hit me - it may be just enough to keep them at bay!

Thanks,
Kenny

Back to life, back to reality

It's amazing what medication, therapy and time can do.  For today I felt a wave of normalcy that I haven't experienced in ages, it seems.

Four years ago I got very physically ill with a lymph node infection that started a 6 month course of illness that couldn't be contained, and was very difficult for my doctors to figure out. It culminated in a huge tumor-like abcess on my neck which took 3 months from start to finish to get rid of, and 6 months later a tonsillectomy that seemed to clear up the problem.  However the depression that kicked in during this time brought to light a whole other problem.  That problem was finally named correctly as Bipolar Disorder.

Today I stood on my own again as a man feeling in control of destiny, control of myself AND my emotions.  Able to experience happiness without feeling that I was spinning into a manic phase.  Able to experience life and not second guess my judgment and not worry that I was "freaking out" if I saw something sad on tv.  I finished 3 years of solid therapy today and that is amazing.   My therapist, Susan, is someone I will always treasure having had the opportunity to meet with and while we are going to keep a standing appointment on the books for the next two months, I can just call her a week beforehand and tell her whether I "need" the appointment or not.  And at that we will part ways.  It's sad in a way as I have truly enjoyed meeting her and her influence in my life, enabling me to see what I was doing wrong, and what I needed to adjust without ever telling me what to do.  But she has done her job very very well and I finally feel like this bird can fly again.

I have returned to work, and have further plans to re-enter my normal profession within the next six to twelve months.  I realize I will always be on these medications but if they are able to help me feel THIS normal then bring them on, I say!

I can't believe it - I'm living my life again!

So out of training, on with life

As I wrote in my last posting, I "tested' myself to see if I could be hired anywhere, and I was, first interview out of the bag, at Chili's as a server.  Now, I've been asked, given the situation of the last few years, and the last year especially, why would I choose something stressful?  I didn't view it as stressful - i viewed it as something different than I've done before, and even though I've waited tables before, it's been years since I did.  So today I finished my testing phase/training phase and I'm officially a real waiter.  I won't be on the schedule until after next Wednesday though, so I'm not sure how often I will be working, or if I'm even going to like it.  But that wasn't the point.  The main point was to see if I COULD do it, and I feel that I've made a remarkable step by challenging myself to something, going the extra step, and doing it.  I am not tied to them by any means, and I may find that I really like it because of the difference between this and what I have historically done.  And I may find that it rebuilds me psychologically to be able to re-enter my other world of work again along this trip of "getting better".  I did see tell-tale signs of slipping into a manic phase a few days ago; fortunately it didn't take ahold of me like they have and that means the medications are working.  So we will see how the next few weeks go but for now, it looks like there's some real recovery to be celebrated.

not even sure what to title

Not having a bad time here, just trying to roll with the changes of life.  The most recent is that I tested myself to go & get a job, which I did, first try out of the cage.  i wanted something that wasn't going to have the responsibilities that managing a building or property did, and figured I needed to start off "gentle".  So I decided to go & try to wait tables.  Got a job at my local Chili's bar & grill.  Still in training.  The training leaves a lot to be desired but I'm more than 1/2 way through and only have two tests to go.  I should be ok.  It was more of a test to see how I handled things, pressures, people I don't know and how new interactions would be now that my medications seem to be evened out.  So far so good but I have a tendency to wreck my own world so we'll see how it goes.  People can be so funny though.....

I have tomorrow off and will work more around the house and then back to the grind on Monday afternoon.  We'll see.

About the child.....

So today in the aftermath of a child being killed and discarded in our neighborhood like a used toy, the news and media are crawling in front of the house and the area where the body was found.  Our doorbell got rang, and a female reporter asked me a few questions.  She wanted to interview me on camera but I declined after second thought, agreeing with Ed that it'd be disrespectful of the situation and bring more news to the area.  We've already seen a huge increase in traffic slowing down in front of the house to "get a peek" at where this happened.

I think as humans we have a morbid curiosity to things like this, although I do not understand why.  I have been guilty of that myself, and will slow looking at a wreck on the road.  Not because I want to, but because there's just an interest of "oh, what happened?".

In the neighborhood, well, I guess I have to admit I'm kinda Gladys Kravitzish in that I am home all the time and I want to know that people walking around my neighborhood belong here and that it is kept safe.  I'm getting older now and safety is a concern that will grow every day - I can't help now but look at a stranger when they walk down the street - are you involved?

Anyone that can find anyplace in their heart or soul where it's ok to take the life of a child.....well that is truly a monster in our day and age......

What needs to be written

There are so many thoughts on my mind this morning that I've decided to not write about them right this moment, but to wait until the excitement and emotion of the day (and houseguests) dies down to write about them intelligently and get exactly what I want to say about them down.

The first is the shocking and disturbing death of a child across the street from us; at least the finding of the body of a child.  This is a quiet neighborhood and definitely the first happening of this type event since we've lived here.

The second is weight related and will be not only open & honest about my own dealings with the weight that I've put on, but with how other people treat me and physical effects of it in doing something like going to an amusement park.  Something very embarrassing happened to me today from a result of my being overweight and it definitely had a motivating push behind it afterwards.  I. Must. Change. Things.

So, more on these two topics tomorrow, separately.

Bring on the mania

Bring on mania, dammit!

One of the most unusual byproducts of Bipolar Disorder is the desire on the afflicted to actually desire one of the phases over another.  For those who are unaware, there are two "phases" of bipolar disorder that define the condition.  One is the depressive phase, and the other is the manic phase.  While either one can reach dangerous extremes, I find that I MUCH prefer the manic phase over the other.  When I'm in manic phase, I tend to be very up, very productive, and very energetic.  I can tell that I'm entering a manic phase right now, but it's not uncontrolled, so to speak.  I just feel it coming.  And I'm actually looking forward to it so I can get some things done in the next few days.

As I wrote yesterday, the medications have helped the period of time between severe mood swings - but they've also made me much more aware of their effects on my mind and body.  I have a lot to get done right now because I had a pretty severe depressive phase over the last two days and did pretty much nothing - so as you can imagine, clothes have piled up, dishes need to be done, I'm trying to sell my car, it needs to be cleaned out, still cleaning out and streamlining the past by throwing out unnecessary items which have moved with me over the last 30 years and all of this I can get done if I enter mania.  How sad is that?

So we'll see how the day goes, but I'm already filling up my calendar with "to-do's". 

The physical side of depression / bipolar disorder

As I start to write this I find that my first thought was "this could be it's own blog" kind of subject might be too 'pending doom' in its subject line... but it's the exact lesson today for me.

Mentally I have been feeling pretty good and alert & all... doc thinks we have the right balance here with the meds and I have to agree.  Just to note, it took 14 months to get to an acceptable balance of:  1200 mg lithium, 15 mg Abilify, and 200 mg lamictal daily.  This diagnosis which started off as depression began dosing at 30 mg of Lexapro and then we've tried everything from Wellbutrin, Clonazepam and a few others.  The journey here was not easy.

So today even though I'm feeling better and having somewhat of an interesting day, getting the lawnmower repaired, etc.,, my physical self had no energy, no gusto, and was physically heavy just getting in & out of the car.  Walking up the stair, I'm winded.  Walking from room to room, I'm winded.  Part of that is weightt, part is from smoking and part is the depression.

I got distracted and will post this now & add later - i can'think at the moment.

*appended 3/5/2010 10:10 a.m.
Well the physical pressure ended today - I woke up feeling normal and alert and in a good mood.  But the last two days have been pure hell.  I could barely function - just cooking dinner last night, as quick as it was(chicken salads) made me physically exhausted and barely able to move.  I can't stand this.  My thought is that since the swings are better controlled than they used to be - I'm more aware of the depression phase when it hits me.  It makes me very sad and longing for yesteryear. 

I ran across a bunch of video tapes with performances on them and one of them was especially good, but as I watched it, all I could think was "Who is that stranger?"  I so miss the person I used to be, happy-go-lucky, carefree, always in a good & fun mood.  This disorder has wrecked my mental life, my belief in myself, my confidence, and in some ways my relationship.  I don't feel able to give the things I need to give to make both of us happy.  While this is something I'm working on, I don't know what the answer is.

So when you see the commercials for anti-depression medication, and they discuss the aches & pains that accompany it, don't guffaw at it.  Those are very real aches and pains that affect someone suffering with depression.  It almost feels like you've come down with the flu, it's that intense.

But like I said, happily, I'm in good spirits today and hopefully it's going to be several months again before I cycle down to this level.

As always, thanks for reading.
Kenny

an extraordinary epiphany

A few weeks ago, I had an epiphany (breakthrough) that was of massive proportions to me.  I fully believe I would have never come to these conclusions and ideas had it not been for the 2+ years of therapy at this point, interactions with my psychiatrist and my medical doctor, all of whom have been of extraordinary help to me in their own individual ways.

Several years ago, probably at the onset of a very long lasting manic episode, I convinced myself that my normal "mode" at the time - always laughing, making others laugh, insessant puns, jokes, etc. and always "on the go" daily life - well, I convinced myself that this was very irritating to people around me.  Kinda of like Robin Williams in his early days - never stopping, etc. - making people wish there was an "off switch".  And with that, I climbed back into myself and didn't want to come out.  In fact it got so bad when I came off the manic episode and slipped, no, FELL into the darkest period of depression that I've ever experienced, that I wanted to do the ultimate attention getting act:  I wanted to kill myself.   I even had a date, letter, and method planned out.  It was that bad.

Now I can look back on those words of "kill myself" and thank God that I didn't (even though God = its own set of unsuredness factors in my life) - because it would have hurt many people whom I'm close to.  I can't imagine first of all the grief that it would have caused my mother, nor the pain that I would have caused my partner.

But this wasn't the epiphany.

Back several weeks ago, the performing group I am in, River City Pops, had auditions for our specialty acts for the show.  (smaller duos or groups).  I auditioned participating in 3 of them.  2 of them got selected which would have made any one else happy, but the third number....well I was really frustrated because we were not even able to complete the song in the audition process.  This was due to a couple of factors not really under control, but in my nearly 30 years of performing I've NEVER NOT had a complete audition, one that ended with "We're lost".  Of course I didn't find out until later that night that the number didn't get picked, but when I arrived home after the audition, I felt my mood - which had been leveled out at a solid "8" (out of 10) for several weeks, I believe due to the addition of Abilify to my pill diet.   I felt myself letting feelings of anger, frustration, and more importantly, failure slipping in..... and then it happened.

I was able to pin a trigger point to FAILURE.  FAILURE seems to be a really difficult thing for me to agree into accepting.  I just don't seem to handle it well, and while I know the intelligent thing is to learn from failures, I didn't seem to be able to shft into that mode that night.

Well I thought that was epiphinous enough, I sat down to write my therapist/counselor a note to remind me to tell her about it, but when I wrote the word failure I automatically typed the words "in my life" and then BOOM like a ton of bricks I began having waves upon waves of realization and understanding.

My parents split when I was 10, with my mom leaving right after my birthday in 1975.   And I realized at that moment, buried beneath all my "understanding" of why mom left, left me with an alcoholic (all of which I have never truly had any anger about; it made me who I am) etc.....was the feeling that I somehow felt guilty and RESPONSIBLE for their split.  That I had somehow FAILED in keeping my family together.  My brother & sister were all already out of the house, at ages even too young for them.  My sister at 16, my brother a year later when he turned 16, and all that was left was this little kid - me - dealing with the fallout.  Where was my help?  My dad was a boozer; incapable of love or support or kindness - and imagine my relief when I found several years later he was not my biological father. 

But at that age, 10 years old, I began to show signs of slipping into mental illness and bipolar disorder probably started taking root around this time.  I gained weight almost immediatley.  I had always been a thin child, not bad thin, but healthy and normal in weight and shape.  I walked with my shoulders slumped over to hide extra weight, my embarassment, never took my shirt off at the pool - maybe all of which were physical reactions to the idea of ANYONE getting close to me - it was my way of folding into myself and hiding from the world.

I began to act out - stealing things and acting badly - and I realize now that every single act of taking things, taking what I wanted, having more than others.... was all a way of trying to take back what had been taken from me.... comfort, security, care..... and that unfortunate activity went through into my young adult and middle adult years unattended to, and got me into serious trouble with the law and my employers and everyone around me, who could see the destructive behavior but knew not how to help.

This realization has made a huge difference as I continue growing past my troubles and remain committed to kicking Bipolar Disorder - even though I know there's no cure - I AM going to win this f'ing battle.  And that, no one can stop....

Thanks for reading - this one was hard to write!

The year so far...patterns....realizations

Well Christmas & New Year's kicked my ass this year, mainly due to stupid actions on my own part.  Impulsive and plain stupid decisions really caused a riff to last the end of the year, and my resolve to start 2010 with a positive start got quashed. 

The crappy part of this is that the overlap, the "recourse" of my own mind, took an additional whole week.  I was useless pretty much all of the first week of the year.   I guess I must be thinking somewhat clearer because I was able to analyze my actions and decisions much closer than ever before, and in speaking with my counselor about my single worst decision, she stopped me and asked me WHY the decision was wrong.  Of course she knew, but she needed me to say it and verbalize it.  And it helped. 

There's a part of my mind that still feels sometimes that I'm still a child; maybe I'm bucking against what I feel are large responsibilities on my part in terms of the house upkeep (we have a very large place, about 2300 square feet), stress over finances, and inability to focus on important things effectively.

That last item - inability to focus - is the one that I'm most disturbed by.  It's as if my attention span is that of a gnat when something important or serious comes up for review.  I don't know why - the aversion is pretty much full on though.  I consider that a childish action - one that I never outgrew and has affected me my entire adult life.   It's also the one that causes the most friction in my life, both with employers and my partner.  So it's the one that must be worked on the hardest and first.

The "Mood 24/7" tool has already been useful - I'm noticing a definite pattern in my episodes.  It looks like I typically have 4-5 good days and then one where my mood drops majorly.  Given the events of the last few weeks, it doesn't surprise me that the rapid cylcing factor of my disorder has been triggered several times.  But I need things to even out to "normal" and/or less stressful to see if that pattern continues.

I see the psychiatrist tomorrow.  I'm fully expecting her to change the mood stabilizer.  I'm currently on 200mg of Lamactil daily - and I don't think it's doing any good.  I wonder if she's going to start me on Abilify.  I just want to make sure to follow how each of these drugs are metabolized by the body.  I'm hoping to start "reconstructing" my body by eating healthier and exercising to get the benefits from those activities too.  But I have to pay attention to what I'm taking - I think I'm scared to death that something is going to interact with something else, and I don't wanna be gone just when I'm starting on recovery road, you know?


Thanks for reading as always.
Kenny

The Journey is often a struggle

Sometimes I find myself thinking that I could, for one day, transplant my mind into the body of any one who questions what it is I feel on a daily basis.  Reactions, tones of voice.....all of the normal "parts" of day to day life are sometimes horrible trigger prone situations that just aren't understood.  But in an honest world, I wouldn't transplant this horror into anyone.

For Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, especially in a state that is not correctly (yet) medicated, being snapped at can be the equivalent of a knife in the heart.  It's so hard to hold back, to not respond in kind, to not lose control.....and the resulting confusion of emotions can be simply too much to handle.  While I'm not in the mind frame that I was a year & a half ago of wanting to just off myself, the stress that these situations puts my mind & body into are horrible.  Triggers can create horrible transposition of good & bad feelings quickly, sometimes within minutes of each other, and they are physically debilitating.

It's hard to continue when you feel that you're simply not understood, especially by the ones that are closest to you, who, even after attempting to supply tools of education about the disorder and how it affects decisions and perceptions still think that you're using Bipolar Disorder as an "excuse" to make mistakes.  That particular mindset makes it very hard to want to continue.....

I was in a great mood this morning and it got dashed within minutes.  All I want to do now is sleep and I had a day of music and creativity planned.   But that goes by the wayside very quickly when the trigger is pulled.....

Oh well.  Another step in the path to recovery, I guess.  But it sure sucks.

A new year starts...

Well it hasn't been the easiest new year I've experienced, that's for sure. I hit it in a rapid-cycling phase, brought on by stresses that I created myself, due to continuing to struggle with this illness. One minute you think you're fine, the next minute you're not - and it's even possible to be in both a manic and depressive phase at the same time. Not a lot of fun. To add to that, I picked up a nice stomach bug on Sunday and it's still with me on Tuesday.

Saw my counselor today for the first time in 3 weeks and there was so much to catch up on - got a couple of good lessons and directions as always. Now if they would just stick in my mind.

I don't think those that really matter to me will ever truly understand what this is I'm going through. Either out of non-desire to deal with it or inability to accept it - and I don't know what the future will hold because of that. It's kind of sad, but it's the way the world turns.

Gonna put on the happy face for now and try to muddle through the day, pull myself out of the funk if I can, and at the very least: try to make all the right decisions, at least for today. If I can keep that in my mind on a daily basis, then I should be alright.

K